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PrintBarry Friedman at Large
Heavenly hoaxes and heat
Blue-green algae is the second-greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people. Sen. Jim Inhofe became ill in late June after swimming in algae at Grand Lake, which, considering how he once compared the Environmental Protection Agency to the Gestapo, is one of the best laughs we had all summer. Surely one of those EPA “Nazis” could have told him it was unsafe to swim in prokaryotic cyanobacteria. Instead, we imagine, at the apex of Inhofe’s dive into the toxic soup, he thought, “Algae? I don’t fear no stinking algae!”
Eavesdroppings On a 106-degree day, a woman, suddenly excited and hopeful, pointed to the furnace of the midday sky and said, “Look, a cloud!”
From the At Large human resources desk: In an effort to increase workplace pride and productivity — and to prevent senior management from lording their designer fashions over our grossly underpaid support staff — effective Sept. 1, 2011: All At Large employees will be required to wear uniforms to work.
And the Lord said, “Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don’t.” We believe! On 71st Street, between Lewis and Harvard avenues, at 5:07 p.m., July 15, we saw a sign — two, actually — that changed our lives: a late-model truck with a Jesus silhouette on the back window and steel testicles hanging from its trailer hitch.
To all Tulsa restaurateurs: What’s the deal? The Library Bar & Grill in Norman was the only Oklahoma pub featured in Esquire’s Best Bars in America.
Drought is the third-greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people. In order to alleviate the statewide drought, Gov. Mary Fallin asked Oklahomans to pray to a “greater power,” a call echoed by State Agriculture Secretary Jim Reese, who said, “I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer, and I hope it helps deliver the rain we need soon” — proving the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree that’s desperately in need of watering.
The university may fire you, but a grateful neighborhood applauds your restraint. Thanks to TU security for not getting all emotional about the little kids playing in the fountain in front of the university the past few months.
Instead of his carefully worded 17-page ruling denying the ouster, the AG probably could have just written “ROFLMAO” on a Post-it and attached it to the councilor’s original petition. In rejecting a petition by Tulsa City Councilor John Eagleton to oust Mayor Dewey Bartlett, Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt disqualified 70 percent of the signatures for being improperly certified by the very people organizing the ouster, such as members of the Tulsa City Council, which included Eagleton. Further, Pruitt said the evidence submitted by Eagleton wasn’t based in enough fact to even consider the recall. Other than that, the petition was, as we say in the legal profession, kick-ass. In a related matter, Eagleton graduated from ORU’s law school in 1986. His classmate? None other than that other noted legal scholar: Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.
Most disturbing Facebook status Aug. 3, 2011: Praying safety over my son and the band as they have two-a-day practice in this heat.
Really? Two-a-days — for the band? Just how out of shape does the cymbal guy get in the off-season, anyway? As much as the band, I’m praying for the band director to keep some perspective and let these kids practice their high steps in the air-conditioned gym. Surely you know, with the exception of a few proud parents, when the band’s on the field, everyone else at the stadium is in the restroom or at a concession window, waiting on nachos.
Ups and downs
UP … The Sierra Club for sending Jim Inhofe a rose and get-well card after he got sick from his algae spritz.
UP … The Oklahoma Supreme Court for allowing the parents of a child born with a severe infection to sue for damages to recover costs associated with the child’s ongoing care. The couple alleges that their doctor at the time of pregnancy did not inform them their child would be born “permanently and completely helpless.”
DOWN … The Oklahoma Legislature for passing a law last session shielding doctors from such litigation. The bill is designed to protect those physicians opposed to abortion — even if that means refusing to provide information on the pain, suffering and viability of the fetus — from being sued. The legislators’ advice to physicians seems to be: Don’t tell, even if asked. It’s pro-choice, Oklahoma style. Everyone — politicians, judges and doctors — gets to choose what happens during a woman’s pregnancy — everyone, that is, except the woman who’s actually pregnant.
UP ... The Tulsa Shock season ticket holders. We feel for you. We don’t understand you, but we feel for you.
