God’s work is never done
Barry Friedman at Large
And while we’re at it, let’s bid for the World Cup, Burning Man, Miss Nude USA …
The people behind the effort to bring the 2020 Olympics to Tulsa are either a) visionaries, or b) didn’t get enough oxygen as children.
We’ll go with a), but barely.
… and women’s basketball
Reports that the WNBA may be coming to Tulsa have us in a tizzy. OK, not a tizzy tizzy, but there is a buzz. Maybe not a buzz in the classic sense, but there is real excitement. Well … when we say real, we’re not camping out at the BOK waiting for tickets, but …
All right, look, nobody cares.
From the At Large Lost and Found Department …
1) A 30-foot oil tank (left on I-244), and 2) A skull (discovered in the home of a former Tulsa deputy).
Positive ID required (especially if you’re coming for the skull).
Keep this up and I’ll smite the whole damn town — God
So who thought it would be a good idea to “quote” God on a series of billboards on the B.A.? Our At Large advanced religious studies director is incensed, especially over the one that reads: “Keep using my name in vain and I’ll make rush hour longer.” — God. Oh, please! One “damn” and The Eternal is going to back up traffic between Mingo and Garnett? Talk about your thin-skinned deities.
Whatever you do, don’t play with the snake
Republican mayoral candidate Anna Falling, apparently unhappy with Tulsa’s recent positive national press, has decided to make us a punchline once again by pushing for a creationism exhibit at the Tulsa Zoo.
This ludicrous idea was rejected years back by anyone with half a brain and even cursory knowledge of the Constitution.
“Unless we find ways to engage the Church back into public policy decisions,” Falling said, “we will be lost as a city, state and nation.”
So, yes, what better way to save our nation than by having an interactive Adam and Eve at the zoo — that’ll show Satan!
Then, the candidate issued a fatwa.
“Today we are announcing that God will be glorified in this city. He shall not be shunned. Upon our election, we hereby commit to honoring Him in all ways that He has been dishonored.”
You hear that, infidels (and those who just like going to the zoo to see the animals): No more shunning!
After Falling finished speaking, traffic on the B.A. opened up. It was the damnedest thing.
News stories we won’t be covering
What exactly was the cause of the foul odor at Floral Haven Cemetery?
See … this is why we’re Mac people.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation turned down Tulsa Public Schools’ request for a $55 million grant.
At Large Dumb Criminal of the Month
Technically, since no crime was committed, we can’t give the award to the man who tried to rob a bank; still, he deserves a shout-out for handing a note to the teller saying he wanted money to buy beer for the homeless … all while munching on a cookie.
She said “no”; he left.
The police are taking this seriously, but you don’t have to; nevertheless, if you see a man, covered in crumbs, re-writing a robbery note, call the authorities.
Random Tulsa reference
From Augusten Burroughs’ memoir, “Dry”: “Everybody looks like they’re about to appear on MTV’s ‘Total Request Live.’ But then I am in New York City at an AA meeting … If I were in a Tulsa AA meeting, I might see a Sears sweatshirt or two.”
No cats, either
Last month, we gave our first Chutzpah of the Month award to Shirley Johnson for having the temerity to suggest that families were not welcome at Biscuit Acres Dog Park. Astonishingly, though, parents are allowing their young children to play amidst the unleashed dogs. That’s not only stupid, but it’s also dangerous because a 3-year-old smacking a 75-pound Doberman on the head is, well, bad math.
Anyway, Shirley, we apologize.
In an effort to re-establish his credibility, our At Large chutzpah director has come up with the following Dog Park Rules of Engagement:
To dog owners: You may think the foam coming from your chow’s mouth is a sign of its goofy affection; others see it as a sign the dog is controlled by Satan.
To parents: Your kids are precious … to you! Many dog owners, as unhealthy as this is, think their Rottweiler is their child and don’t want your child mounting him.
To children: Tease an on-coming dog with a twig and it will tear into you like a package of ground sausage.
To dogs: You don’t pay taxes; you don’t talk; frankly, you don’t do much … and you have a dedicated park! So be grateful and ease up on the barking and jumping.
(Shirley, please return your Chutzpah award at once. We will waive the 15 percent restocking fee.)
“Just got back from OKC. Seeing what it’s done with Bricktown compared to what Tulsa’s done with the river, I wanted to cry.”
Ups and downs
DOWN … QuikTrip for no longer selling peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the only reason to live sometimes. Cadieux, YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THE LAST OF THIS!
UP … The Delaware Tribe for once again being granted federal recognition by the U.S. Department of the Interior. It lost its tribal status in 2004 after the Cherokees bitched.
UP … District Judge Vicki Robertson for ruling that a bill that forced women (even those victims of rape and incest) to get ultrasounds and listen to the doctor describe the fetus before having an abortion was unconstitutional.
DOWN … The teen who hit a power pole while texting. Did you have your HUYA?