Barry Friedman at large
Dumb Criminal of the Month (maybe of all time)
After a Skiatook man was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving, he told police he was an officer. We can only imagine that he thought the cops would take his word on it. Well, they didn’t and — surprise, surprise — he wasn’t. He was then arrested. And laughed at. A lot.
The couple, both widowers in their 70s, a few minutes after breaking up:
Woman: I love you, and I know you still love me.
Man: I swear on my wife’s grave, I feel nothing for you.
If you build it, they will come — just not enough of them.
It had more lawsuits and bankruptcies than tenants; still, how inglorious an end for RiverWalk Crossing in Jenks to be sold at a Tulsa County Sheriff’s Auction — an auction — between Huffy bikes, leaky mobile homes and repossessed Hondas.
If you build it, they will come. And even if you don’t build it, just keep holding press conferences saying you will.
Like a cold sore, it’s back. (That joke, in fact, is in its third telling.) The 21-story statue of a Native American, first proposed in 2004, may be coming to Sand Springs (in much the same way hell may freeze over and host a half-dozen Tulsa Oilers games next season). The town’s city manager, Rocky Rogers, pointed to studies showing that the statue could attract a million visitors per year (studies, it should be noted, debunked the first 634 times they were used) and said that while Sand Springs wouldn’t contribute to the $38 million that artist Shan Gray said he needs, the city would pay for the land and infrastructure.
“It’s a matter of putting the hands to the plow,” Rogers said.
And, no, we have no idea what he was talking about.
So when does a large smallmouth bass become a small largemouth one?
Our At Large resident angler tells us that Ryan Wasser of Pocasset set the state record by catching an 8-pound, 7-ounce smallmouth bass.
Yeah, well, Jesus still rode on dinosaurs, the polar ice caps are not melting and Elvis is alive and living in Bossier City, La.
The U.S. Geological Survey has determined that the increasing number of small earthquakes in the Midwest, including those in Oklahoma, are “almost certainly man-made.”
Between the years 2010-2012, the top-grossing salesperson in Tulsa has had the orange highway cone and barrel account.
NEW FEATURE: Beat the press
In a May 1 column about the ups, downs and prospects of TU basketball, the Tulsa World’s senior sports columnist, John Klein, wrote that the school’s athletic director, Ross Parmley, admitted that the team “has suffered a 35 percent decline in season-ticket sales and 43 percent decline in revenue” of late.
Two paragraphs later, Klein concluded, “The Golden Hurricane program (has) … a passionate fan base.”
Hello, McFly! You just reported that only 65 percent of the fans are showing up and TU is making only 57 percent of what it used to.
If the base gets any more passionate, the team will be able to play its home games in Kendall Hall’s Theatre II.
And the Lord said, “What now?”
Rep. Mark McCullough, R-Sapulpa, doesn’t want the state to accept money from the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (you may know it as “Obamacare”) because, he says, Oklahomans would be forced to pay for “Whatever sexual conduct you want to engage in.”
And McCullough wants Oklahoma to pay only for sexual conduct he thinks you should engage in.
One of the issues bothering him is the state’s subsidy of Gardasil, a vaccine that protects against the human papillomavirus that causes cervical cancer. Inexplicably, opponents believe that if the rate of STDs and cancer decreases, the rates of promiscuity will increase.
As Ozzy Osbourne once wrote, “I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.”
“This is an issue we need to pursue,” McCullough said, adding, “I prayed about it,” and, “I assure you this is not a stunt.”
And the Lord said, “Yeah, it is.”
Somebody, please, apply for a waiver.
While the renovation to the interior of the former City Hall building is going well (it’s to become a hotel), the exterior will remain unchanged because the structure is located within the Tulsa Civic Center Historic District, part of the National Register.
(Incidentally, the old council chamber is being converted into an entertainment venue, which it pretty much was anyway.)
Ups and downs
DOWN … Rep. Wayne Pettigrew, Second Congressional District candidate, for trumpeting his endorsement by Maricopa County (Ariz.) Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who once deputized Ted Nugent and still thinks the president may be a Kenyan. Meanwhile, Pettigrew’s opponent, George Faught, has been endorsed by former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who once threatened to dam up the Illinois River if Oklahoma persisted in suing Tyson Chicken for relentlessly dumping chicken waste in our waterways. (“You won’t have any dirty water, but you won’t have any water”). Now we really don’t know who not to vote for.
UP … Renegade Regiment, the Union High School marching band, for being selected to march in the 2013 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Since when, though, are renegades regimented?)
UP … Tulsa’s Celebration Church and its pastor, Eastman Curtis, for the creativity in deciding to stream its Sunday church service into the Drunk Monkey Tavern in Glenpool. Curtis said, “There’s a lot of folks that think if they walk through a church that they’re automatically going to combust into flames.”
Whoa! You mean you don’t?
NEUTRAL … Drunk Monkey Tavern
UP … Could increase business
DOWN … Could kill a buzz
For Dr. Jack Honaker