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We have to get better press in 2012 …
If not for our tornadoes, earthquakes and wildfires; child poverty rates; laws requiring women seeking abortions to wear bonnets and scarlet letters (we exaggerate — a little); and the pepper-spraying of Occupy Tulsa demonstrators who had the temerity to sit in a park after curfew, America, in 2011, might not have been so versed in all things Oklahoma. And that was before Sen. Inhofe said anything about global warming, Sen. Coburn said anything about President Obama and state Rep. Sally Kern said anything at all.
The bad pennies that don’t return … never leave.
Our long local nightmare continues
Rit Mathis, Bill’s son and Larry’s nephew, is the new spokesperson for Mathis Brothers. No word on the dog.
Jesus wept
Blaming “radical secularists” for the political correctness of the Tulsa Holiday Parade of Lights, David Arnett created the Tulsa Christmas Parade to remind us of the holiday’s true meaning — and then scheduled it for the same night! ’Tis the season to be petty. Standing by Santa, who first appeared in John 11:35 (or was that the Easter Bunny?), Arnett said he had little interest in being inclusive of other faiths just because “somebody believes in their Marxist world view that we ought to be the great unwashed masses.” He then promised more floats.
And while the befouled heathens marched through Sodom and Gomorrah (you may know it as downtown), Arnett’s unsullied faithful celebrated on the hallowed ground between Tulsa Hills and a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Overheard
Seeing the convenience store sign, “$5 lunch. Ask inside,” the woman responded, “Why do I have to ask? I’m thinking sandwich, chips, drink. Why the tease?”
Give him the Pulitzer already!
Michael Wallis
Dumb Criminal of the Month
Using a bullhorn and impersonating a policeman, Joshua Smith allegedly lured a woman out of her car and exposed himself. He receives the DCOM, however, for lingering while the woman called her boyfriend. Most cop-impersonating-bullhorn-wielding flashers will use the time between the panicked call and the irate arrival to skedaddle.
You kidding? It’s the one bright spot in going deaf.
A full-page ad in the Tulsa World for a hearing center asked, “Do you want to hear your spouse better?”
More penal news:
An Oklahoma prison warden’s former wife received a one-year sentence for helping a convicted murderer escape.
In 2010, a Kingfisher woman received a 12-year prison sentence for selling $31 in marijuana. In 2011, it was reduced to eight, which is still seven years and 359 days too long.
First step toward socialism
Some Tulsans are furious that the city’s new trash system will provide (provide = free!) uniform receptacles, encourage recycling and charge extra for discarding cow carcasses and front-loading washers.
Random Tulsa reference (almost)
A New York Times bestselling author, here for a literary event, asked, “What’s T-Town?”
Even climate change deniers thought, “This is weird.”
Over seven days in Nowata last February, there was a 110-degree temperature swing.
Get me a deer suit.
November was deer breeding season, so the Oklahoma Highway Safety Office cautioned motorists to be on the lookout for increased numbers of ruminant mammals — many indiscriminately fornicating.
2012 predictions
- The Tulsa State Fair will sell fried beef jerky.
- Someone on the City Council will pout.
- Carrie Underwood … pregnant
- A Charlie Sheen sighting at Eloté (or Night Trips)
- The Tulsa Shock win 10 games and relocate to Austin
- ORU name change (Green University?)
- Miranda Lambert … pregnant
Top 100 (really abridged)
- Elizabeth Warren, Oklahoma’s own. If things don’t work out in Massachusetts, run here.
- 2-100. Other people
Didn’t anyone Google the guy?
Before Urban Tulsa Weekly fired Dave Simpson for plagiarism, the Tulsa World fired him for plagiarism; before that, so did United Feature Syndicate.
Hello!
In fact, cartoonists nationwide have known for years to lie prostrate over their work whenever Simpson was around, including Mike Peters, a Pulitzer Prize winner, who called him a “cartoon kleptomaniac.”
It’s not surprising, then, that the Oklahoma Cartoonists Hall of Fame, which inducted Simpson in 2005, retracted his membership and told him to clean out his locker — what’s surprising is, it let him in.
Stories we won’t be following this year
- Ryan Simonson’s job search
- Woody Guthrie 100th anniversary birthday tributes after the first three
- 2012 Oklahoma Thunder Girls swimsuit calendar sales
