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PrintBarry Friedman at Large: 2010 in review
We’re outta here.
If you don’t count the legislative food fights between the mayor and City Council, police corruption that’s threatening to free half the state’s prison population, the continuing Arrow Truck fiasco, furloughs and road repair that made you want to repeatedly smash your head into your own dashboard, it wasn’t a bad year in Tulsa.
For starters, downtown, thanks to the BOK Center and ONEOK Field, developed a pulse; Big Splash wasn’t in the news; traffic lights by Woodland Hills Mall were timed; exotic animals were born at the zoo (and there still is a zoo); and local property values increased.
Really, it could have been worse.
Take the state, for instance … please. In 2010, Oklahoma could have hosted the “Rally to Promote Insanity.” There was open-carry legislation; onerous restrictions on reproductive choice; a suggestion that the Department of Corrections be allowed to use animal euthanasia on death-row inmates; and a never-ending campaign to waste taxpayers’ money on frivolous lawsuits, such as fighting for Ten Commandments statues and against health care legislation.
Also …
1) A bill was passed making English the state’s official language, which would be more credible if Oklahoma’s literacy theme line wasn’t “Read Y’all.”
2) A measure (now under litigation) banned courts from considering Sharia Law, a blow to any man who plans on stoning his wife for not wearing her veil at Rib Crib.
The thing is — and why it matters to Tulsa — the nuttier the state gets, the less likely Costco expands here and our graduates stay home to work for Williams or teach at Edison. Oklahoma is fast becoming one of those nutty uncles you hope won’t scare the dinner guests.
Too late.
Tulsa: Let’s secede from the state.
And we make no value judgment here. Can you believe Dewey Bartlett has only been mayor for a year?
Why not developing the river might be a good thing Jenks’ RiverWalk Crossing has fondue and line dancing.
If you build it, they will come (or just post sappy remembrances on Facebook if it burns again). Efforts to rebuild the Admiral Twin Drive-In are somewhere between promising and fuggedaboutit.
Rule 26 If you hear the words “fire” and “apartment” in a Tulsa news report, there’s a 71 percent chance the word “meth” will soon follow.
You were right; I was wrong. I WAS WRONG. How long are you going to rub this in? The BOK Center was nominated as arena of the year for the third year in a row, according to Pollstar.
Women running around in what? Doing what? Just hold on a second, Mr. Mayor. Commenting on the proposed Lingerie Football League expansion into town, Mayor Bartlett said, “I don’t think that’s anything Tulsa is going to want to have … women running around in their underwear tackling one another. It’s like mud wrestling.”
Coming soon to the PAC: “Munchkins, the Musical!” Two productions of “Wicked” in the last 15 months, one of “The Wizard of Oz” last June. OK, really, we got it: There’s no place like home.
Rule 119: The “International” in Tulsa International Airport isn’t fooling anybody anymore.
Eavesdroppings “Oklahoma made the national news again.”
“Oh, God, what did we do now?”
OU, Texas, you listening? Jenks and Union should play home and home.
We had you for a minute, though, didn’t we? Tulsa ranked first in a nationwide survey of cities obsessed with nationwide surveys.
Think how impressive this would have been had the Irish not previously lost to the University of Michigan, Michigan State University, Stanford University and Navy, and TU not done everything in its power to lose the game. The University of Tulsa beat Notre Dame in South Bend, 28-27.
Which is another way of saying, if a shark bites off a surfer’s arm now and then, put it in context. On a sign at the Oklahoma Aquarium: “100,000 sharks killed by man every day.”
Dumb Unluckiest Criminals of the Year Those whose arrests were not tainted by police corruption and, consequently, who were still incarcerated.
Sightdroppings On a T-shirt: “ORU Football. Undefeated since 1964.”
Ups and downs
UP: Leon Russell for having a street named after him and all the Tulsans who made it happen.
DOWN: The cop who almost succumbed to my girlfriend’s flirtations but still gave her a $200 ticket for kinda, sorta running a red light. (It’s my column; indulge me on this.)
UP: Those in McAlester who refused to fix the flats on the Westboro Baptist Church van. Seems the front and rear wheels of the Topeka, Kan., church’s vehicle were slashed while members were protesting the burial of Army Sgt. Jason James McCluskey. The church believes God hates America because the country tolerates homosexuality. (God, of course, just hates those who hate homosexuals.)
DOWN: Whoever keeps knocking off dollar stores. You’re kidding, right?
UP: The Jenks, Union, Bixby and Broken Arrow school districts for having the guts to not comply with House Bill 3393, which requires public schools to fund private school scholarships for special needs children (and which is probably unconstitutional).
AT LARGE TOP 100 (ABRIDGED)
9. Preston Doerflinger, city auditor, who is reviewing the KPMG report to determine the fate of thousands of city workers. Still want to make fun of his name?
21. Elliot Nelson, restaurateur. Is there a media outlet in town that hasn’t featured him?
93. Captain ‘Cane, the old one. Even if FOXSports.com voted you second-worst mascot in the country, we found you charming. So what if the new Captain ‘Cane can summon weather? So can my arthritis.
2010 PREDICTIONS: A REVIEW
Call me Kreskin. ONEOK Field will break attendance records. The Drillers will finish third in their division.
Oooh, so close. Kathy Taylor will leave her job with the state before June.
You didn’t really think I knew what I was talking about, did you? U.S. Rep. John Sullivan (R-Tulsa) will not seek re-election.
2011 PREDICTIONS
Chances any member of the Oklahoma delegation to the U.S. Congress will … support a woman’s right to choose, stop ridiculing global climate change, address his Latino constituents in Spanish and admit the stimulus package helped the state.
- One of the above: 17 percent
- Two of the above: 9 percent
- Three of the above: Hell freezes over.
- All four: Hell freezes over because of climate change — in 2011.
Fifty-four percent of Tulsans won’t dial a local area code when required; 13 percent will even when it’s not.
Seventeen new Chinese buffets will open around town and they will all taste exactly the same.
Garth Brooks will play the BOK. (I’ll keep predicting this until it happens.)
Sens. Inhofe and Coburn will stop getting along.
Tulsa will get a new form of city government, but it will be too complicated to explain and too compromised to make a difference.
2010 Political recap
By contrast, the eventual winner, Todd Lamb, did not use sheep. A lesson, perhaps? Kenneth Corn, defeated Democratic lieutenant gubernatorial candidate, used a corn stalk in his advertisements.
Which is 2,957 more than we thought she’d get In her state House race against Sally Kern, who once called homosexuality a greater threat than terrorism, transgender candidate Brittany M. Novotny received 2,958 votes. Kern received 5,717.
Throw the bums out … just not our bums. Every Oklahoma incumbent running for national office easily won re-election.
Would you buy a used militia from this man? Randy Brogdon, state senator and Republican gubernatorial nominee
SECOND ANNUAL BAD PENNY AWARDS
Use of social media to discuss discretionary governmental spending
Victoria Bartlett and Debbie Wade
It started when Wade, City Councilor Chris Trail’s sister, posted her anger toward Mayor Bartlett on Facebook.
“We don’t have freaking lights on our highways and lost 1/3 of our police force,” she wrote, “and dewey wants MORE $$ for his office???? Tell him HELL NO!” Bartlett, the mayor’s wife, responded, “As a therapist, you know that living in denial is a refusal to accept facts or lack of knowledge of the facts. I politely attribute your comments to a combination of the two.”
We assume that at this point someone de-friended someone.
Explanation for a loss
Bob Stoops
When asked why he punted late in the Sooners’ game against the University of Missouri (instead of going for it on fourth down), the OU head football coach said he was concerned that the Tigers might score again if he failed, and, “Who knows how poll people look at scores?” This from the same man who said a week earlier, “We’re not talking or thinking about anything but playing Missouri.”
Explanation for a win
Gov. Mary Fallin
During her gubernatorial campaign, Fallin said, “I think my experience is one of the things that sets me apart as a candidate for governor. First of all, being a mother, having children, raising a family.” The governor never explained, though, how going through labor and delivery, schlepping six children (from her two marriages) to soccer and making peppermint bark actually gave her the edge in the race.
Energy inefficiency
The University of Tulsa
Why do the lights remain on at H.A. Chapman Stadium when there’s absolutely nothing going on?
Spaying and neutering
A Collinsville woman
… for having 76 cats, before donating 34 to the Tulsa Humane Society. She will be featured on Animal Planet’s “Confessions: Animal Hoarding” in 2011, but we feel for the 34, who had to be thinking, “Great, now we don’t get to do the TV show.”
Mission statement
INCOG
No matter how many times it’s explained, we still don’t know what it is, what it does or why we need it.
