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PrintBarry Friedman's Year in Review
Barry Friedman chronicles the mishaps, misunderstandings and milestones that defined the year that was. Illustrations by Natalie Ramsey
2009. Like 2008 … with more road construction.
Sure, Tulsa is furloughing workers, our cops are under federal investigation, area high schools are illegally recruiting athletes and we’re in a state that is second-fattest in the nation*, but — but — we’ll have a new ballpark in the spring, we can now get real bagels and we have more orange traffic cones than Oklahoma City. Best of all, there is still plenty of parking around town. Try finding a spot on a Saturday night in Bricktown and you’ll see how annoying urban development can be.
So, stop complaining. It’s a great time to be a Tulsan. OK, it’s a good time to be a Tulsan.
After all, Nolan’s coming back.
(*I lost 10 pounds in 2009; otherwise we’d be 50th.)
Apparently neither asked anyone with breasts what they thought. During the same quarter BusinessWeek Magazine named Tulsa the seventh-strongest metro in the United States and Forbes ranked us 12th in its “America’s Fastest-Recovering Cities” survey, Self Magazine ranked us dead last for women.
Why so big? The new ballroom at the renovated Tulsa Convention Center is 30,000 square feet.
Create, innovate and … uh, what else do we do here? At Tulsa International Airport, a billboard for Oklahoma State University features students waving “Pokes” paddles, painting and walking near a brook; pictures of the band and the library exterior; and information on the school’s NCAA championships, conference affiliation, land-grant status and international-student makeup.
But no mention of classrooms, books or faculty members. Great shot of Pistol Pete, though.
But now it will be more difficult to blame the other one. Now that the Holly Corp. has purchased both the Sunoco and Sinclair refineries, downtown Tulsans will only have to make one phone call to hear, “Smell? What smell? We don’t smell anything.”
And except for the fires, floods, pestilence, gangs, pollution, droughts and earthquakes, we love L.A. When Phil Jackson, Los Angeles Lakers coach, was asked whether he was fond of Oklahoma’s landscape, he said, “Not really. There’s some sunsets and sunrises that are pretty nice. The wind is aggravating if you live out here.”
At Large Dumb Criminals of the Month In November, Tulsa Police arrested two men for driving their car up the hood of an SUV. When cops attempted to give the two a sobriety test, neither could stand up long enough to take it, so they were booked on suspicion of driving under the influence.
Suspicion?
At Large Top 100 (Abridged)
(We didn’t have space for the other 96.)
3. George Kaiser, financier. Without you, there’s no vision. (Even with you, there’s not much to see.)
47. “Mother” Grace Tucker, founder, Mother Tucker Ministries. Was saving souls and the homeless before many of us knew we had either.
83. Chet Cadieux, CEO, QuikTrip. Yes, you fell in the rankings. We told you dropping the peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the stores would have repercussions.
100. Morris, primate, Tulsa Zoo. Whew! For a few weeks, we thought you’d be replaced by a mechanical serpent on two legs.
Around the state
And you think Tulsa has problems?
We’ll pass along your compliments to the Pakistani child laborers who made them. Commenting on OU’s new uniforms worn against Texas Tech last year, head coach Bob Stoops said, “I’m sure if it’s Nike stuff, it’s good.”
Make ‘em laugh The brains behind Ho-Ho the Clown (Ed Birchall) will be inducted into the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame in 2010. And the campaign for Don Woods and Gusty begins.
But if you’re just generally concerned about your liver, kidney or nervous system, don’t worry. The Okemah Utility Authority, in alerting customers that the town’s water did not meet federal standards, said the byproducts known as Trihalomethanes and Haloacetic acids may be present in the water and result in liver, kidney or nervous system problems, which could lead to “an increased risk of getting cancer.” The letter cautioned residents to consult a doctor only if they had specific health concerns.
In his defense, there’s not much else to steal in Dibble. Cody Barker was arrested for absconding with a Dibble Police Department SUV. For the record, Dibble has approximately 300 people and maybe three police cars at most. They’re going to know when one comes up missing.
SemScrewed A federal judge allowed SemGroup to emerge from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, meaning the company can now tell the Tulsa businesses to which it still owes money legally, “Go to hell.”
Eavesdroppings “When is his column going to be funny?”
If only the rest of life worked this well. On Oct. 27, the Tulsa World Web site announced it was 51 degrees and, with the wind chill, it felt like … 51 degrees.
Random Tulsa reference In a national AT&T Wireless commercial, emphasizing the breadth of its coverage, actor Luke Wilson called out: “Tulsa, Okla.,” and then added, “Dated a girl from there. Didn’t work out.”
Who hasn’t, Luke, who hasn’t?
The first annual At Large Bad Penny Awards
“A bad penny,” as my Grandmother Sylvia used to say, “always returns.”
Hence, we award Bad Pennies to those in and around the city, for better or worse (and usually worse), who defined us this year — and some who do so every year.
Bad penny for …
Understanding Darwin Anna Falling, mayoral candidate.
Overuse of cliches Keith Ballard, Tulsa Public Schools superintendent, for defending his actions against Booker T. Washington High School officials by saying, “That’s a personnel issue that I’m not going to get into in depth at all. I believe that we need to do what we believe is in the best interest as district administrators and then prepare to move forward.”
Worst explanation for running into a mammal Bill Carpenter, the OKC man who hit an elephant while driving home from church on U.S. Highway 81 in Enid. “Didn’t have time to hit the brakes,” he said, before plowing into the 29-year-old Asian behemoth, which had escaped from a nearby circus. “At the very last second, I said ‘elephant!’”
Most people in that situation would have yelled, “Holy toledo!” (or another choice word).
Native American self-importance The Chickasaw Nation for its “United We Thrive” television campaign.
Three things:
- Since only Chickasaws are allowed in the Nation, why are you telling me? It’s not like sending direct-mail pieces to tribal members with thoughts on how I thrive.
- How long is each spot — an hour and a half? “Survivor: Samoa” felt shorter.
- Why all the hushed tones? For instance, the one with the woman with the transplanted kidney who tearfully recounts the special bond among Chickasaws — like the Pottawatomies would let her die.
Company owners who insist on being spokepeople The Mathis Brothers. Even after all these years, you still scare us.
Surreptitious porn viewing Cody Allen Sexton and Kenny Dean Andrews, Muldrow, for allegedly playing a pornographic video at a Wal-Mart in Arkansas — on six different televisions simultaneously. It’s worth noting that the store received exactly one complaint before the DVD was removed and the men were arrested.
It’s always one who ruins it for the rest of us.
Ungracious political concession speech Bill Martinson, former District 5 city councilor, who, after losing the Republican primary to Chris Trail, said, “I’m not so sure I really lost in this deal. Tulsa is the one that lost. … I personally don’t think Trail is qualified to be on the City Council.”
Ups and downs
DOWN ARROW … All the Jenks High School officials who never asked, “Where are these kids coming from?”
UP ARROW Dewey Bartlett. With the mayoral campaign’s unique pool of initial candidates, even Democrats are thinking, “This could be worse.”
UP ARROW W.H. (Rik) Helmerich, chair, and Dr. Patrick Grogan, vice-chair, Tulsa City-County Health Department. You try to figure out how to inoculate 591,982 Tulsans.
DOWN ARROW Rod Stewart. Not a Tulsan, but if McCartney and Springsteen made it, what’s his excuse? (We never thought he was sexy.)
UP ARROW Brittany Novotny, the transgender attorney, for running against State Rep. Sally Kern, who has called homosexuals a greater threat to America’s security than Islamic terrorists. Novotny may not win, but you have to admire her figurative — and, who knows, maybe literal — cojones.
But who knows. It’s not like Kern ever blamed transgenders for anything.
Predictions for 2010
Kathy Taylor will resign from her job with the state before June. One final thought: Mayor Kathy Taylor … Governor’s Chief of Education Strategy and Innovation Kathy Taylor. We still don’t get it.
By year’s end, Tulsa will still not have a new hotel within walking distance of the BOK.
ONEOK Field will break attendance records; the Drillers will finish third in their division.
U.S. Rep. John Sullivan (R-Tulsa) will not seek reelection.
In light of its 2009 season, The University of Tulsa will have really affordable family-pack pricing for the 2010 football season.
Someone from northeastern Oklahoma wins Miss America, gets humiliated on “American Idol” or appears on MTV’s “16 and Pregnant.”
The construction on I-44 and Harvard will be ahead of schedule and under budget, forcing columnists and talk show hosts to say something nice about ODOT.
A member of the Tulsa City Council or the Oklahoma Legislature will resign to spend more time with his family — after being caught with an underage hooker in a Mena, Ark., motel.
Lucky Lamons will reveal his real name.
Stories we won’t be covering Any event in 2010 that proves our predictions incorrect.
