Keeping it real
Somewhat like my hearing, my eco-friendliness is quite selective.
Somewhat like my hearing, my eco-friendliness is quite selective. Actually, eco-friendliness isn’t even the best word. More like eco-tolerance.
For example, it ticks me off to see litter on the sides of our city’s roads. But do I stop and pick it up? Nope — I’ll tolerate it for fear of being plowed over by a bus. Or, if I could pick my dream car by which to be flattened, it’d be a red 2016 Mercedes AMG GT. But, as I’m irony’s favorite, I’d be run over by the 1992 Nissan Sentra I sold to a homeless man for $50 back in 2003. Never should’ve sold that car.
Anyway, I genuinely yearn to be more green-minded than I am. OK, in the Great Spirit of Keeping It Real, I genuinely yearn to want to genuinely yearn to be more green-minded. So, with Earth Day coming up, I think it’s the perfect opportunity to publicly commit to some simple eco-conscious habits that might assuage my guilt over the five holes in the ozone shaped like the letters J, A, S, O and N.
I feel most remorseful over my choice of deodorant, which is an aerosol. In high school and college, I couldn’t find a roll-on that didn’t aggravate my skin — and then I discovered Right Guard Powder Dry. I practically asphyxiate myself with it in the morning in case I develop flop sweat at a work meeting or during any casual encounter that requires me to speak to someone.
But I reckon each wheeze of that nozzle to the final breaths of our planet. OK, good Lord, that was a bit melodramatic, but I do feel guilty about it some mornings if it’s early enough and I’m not more worried about being late.
My roommate uses a roll-on, my boyfriend uses a roll-on, the friends whose bathroom vanities and medicine cabinets I’ve scoured use roll-ons … I apparently need to get with the program.
But I will not be moving into a tiny house. Much as I’d love to reduce my carbon footprint, I’d rather have a pinky toe chopped off and shrink-wrap my feet from a size 12 to an 11 — because, seriously, I can always find awesome shoes on sale in 11s versus 12s. Plus, I’m a big guy with a life spent dieting, and I can only imagine how fat I’d feel in one of those tiny homes that’s 500 square feet or less. My closet is almost that big. And by “closet,” I mean the back bedroom that Lord V installed closet rods in for my coats, some summer shirts and a few pairs of jeans that refuse to fit.
What I can do, however, is stop using paper towels. Well, stop using them as much as I do, anyway. Multiple friends of mine refuse to buy paper towels, instead relying on cloth towels as their quicker picker-uppers.
I’m already good about turning off lights, lowering the heat in winter and raising the temperature on the A/C in the summer when I’m out of the house. I turn the water off in the shower between hair-rinsing and body-washing. I recycle, and I reuse grocery bags — although they’re plastic, sorry. I know paper’s more eco-friendly, but the ice cr- … Uhh, the frozen vegetables and quinoa that I buy sometimes weaken the paper. This results in tragedy either in the Reasor’s parking lot or on my front porch, a stage from which I’ve treated neighbors to numerous soliloquys of a non-eco-friendly nature.
Despite these small efforts on my part, I still can’t help but feel I’m undermining it all by leaving my Clarisonic charged all day, keeping all ceiling fans on low at all times and, occasionally, playing music on the radio for my cat while I’m away — which is especially wasteful because I’m fairly certain he’s deaf. Or perhaps his hearing is just selective like mine.